Somehow I’ve found myself in a very loving and careing relationship with a person i trust completely. In this situation I’ve found myself very rarely having downers. Yeah i get sad sometimes and I’ve had bouts of apathy but I’ve had phone calls or support that has stopped me from getting into that downward spiral.
One thing I’ve come across is the question of when do i tell him that something is wrong. It’s pretty hard to hide my sadness from him but when i’m heading towards a downer but i’m not there I’ve been able to stay quiet about it and pull myself back/stabilise myself before he’s been able to notice. I’m not sure how well apathy translates to someone with more normal and controllable moods. If i was to tell him that i’m struggling to connect with everything what would that mean to him and how would he react? I’m pretty sure it’s not a natural thing to feel and i strongly link it with a downer but it doesn’t always have to lead to a downer, sometimes i’m able to pull myself back from the edge. Is it right to preemptively tell him of and worry him about something that may not occur? At the moment i can feel my teetering on a downer. I feel so tired a lot of the time, everything is feeling so much harder than it should do, i feel like i’m going so slowly/i’m struggling so much more compared to those around me and i’m feeling down trodden by every little thing that doesn’t go my way. I’m not sure how I’ve kept myself together this week. The trigger happened the weekend just gone (That story isn’t going to be put up for a long while. It’s too current and displays a friend in a really bad light…) but somehow I’ve managed to keep going and push back all this quite effectively so far. I keep on briefly thinking about the things that are behind all these ill feelings without trying to dip into it too far. I want to maintain control while still solving the underlying problems to get rid of the downer before it can begin so he doesn’t have to deal with my stupid self destructive way of handling things. I think this may actually be making the solving the underlying problems harder though. Who knew that a relationship could cause extra problems in this way. It’s well worth the extra effort though. If i work out what to do here i’ll post again but at the moment i feel like i’m spread so thin and i’m so scared to crack because he doesn’t deserve a girlfriend that can’t deal with her own rubbish.
Should Apathy be an emotion? I’m worried that the numbness to the world and things i enjoy is not a normal emotional response to sudden bouts of stress and strain. Especially considering it often makes matters worse. The inability to enjoy things i usually enjoy makes it very hard to relax and calm myself, when things are not going too well for me. It sort feels like i’m not doing the things i am doing. Like some twisted autopilot where i am not actually doing these things, just viewing myself do them from a distance. This lack of connection to everything around me still occasionally occurs even though my moods have, for the most part, stabilised. At least it hasn’t persisted for more than a day. There is no worse feeling than a prolonged disconnection from the world, which causes food to have no flavour and your hobbies to hold no enjoyment, where you have to fake life day after day.
For almost a year now I’ve had no downers that have lasted more than a day (I was a bit unstable over November due to constantly failing at a technique at uni, that others seemed to find so easy, but with help i managed to keep hold of myself to a decent degree) and none that have crippled me. While downers are few far between this overwhelming feeling of apathy i get, along with the stomach discomfort that sometimes accompanies, still happens fairly regularly. Is this a normal emotional response? Is it normal to occasionally feel numb? I wish i knew.
It’s just dawned on me that Christmas is just around the corner. Now usually this isn’t a bad thing. So Christmas is more constraints and obligations than it is fun and merriment but it’s still a generally an enjoyable situation even if i’m a bit of a fish out of water. Usually mum’s side of the family holds 2 big family parties, at the community center my grandma and granddad work at, 1 on Christmas day and 1 on boxing day. There is a lot of people on mum’s side of the family and unfortunately i don’t have much in common with them so the parties usually end up with me sitting in a corner with my dad or playing with several of my many younger cousins (bellow 11 years old) on my mum’s side of the family. I’ve always been adamant that i’d be more comfortable in a smaller situation with fewer people but this year things are likely to be different and i’m finding myself very apprehensive. Grandma and Granddad have retired from working at their local community center this year, and a new place that can hold all of us has not been found unfortunately =( This means that it’s possible that such family parties may not be happening this year or any subsequent year hence forth. I’ve told myself many times that this is a good thing and would be more suitable for me but I feel so uncomfortable with it and i don’t know how i’m going to cope with it on the day. I’m not sure if i’m being silly and making mountains out of ant hills but all i know is i don’t like this.
I remember primary school being being quite difficult for me due to all the constant changes that were going on, among other things. At my primary school you had a new teacher each year. It took me most of the year to get use to the new teacher and just when i was getting use to them and the way they did things i would have a new teacher and the cycle would start all over again. I did get more use to these changes as time went by and i don’t remember being that much more apprehensive about starting high school than everyone else. Then again going into high school was scary for everyone while getting a new teacher was only scary for me.
That was changes that occurred after a year. I have been doing Christmas the same way for as long as i can remember. I don’t think i’m going to do well when Christmas day comes and i can’t do things the way they’ve always been done. So far I’ve kept myself reasonably happy by doing things and planning things as if Christmas is going to play out as normal. I do sincerely hope i am not setting myself up for a tumble when things don’t.
On a side note: I’ve worked out why my friends stopped blogging when they got a partner. This blog is primarily my thoughts and partners seem to take up a lot of thought and consideration. I don’t think others really want a weekly up date on how my relationship is going. So posts may be monthly but that’s not a bad thing necessarily and at least they will still be about relatively thought provoking topics.
I’m not the kind of person who often talks about gender equality but Emma Watson’s speech was amazing. I know gender inequality is there but i am one of the lucky few who hasn’t really been effected by it. Any prejudice that i have received has been due to my learning disabilities. From my teachers at primary school telling my parents that i was a dud and wouldn’t amount to anything to my college form tutor telling me i wouldn’t get into my current uni (Where i am now doing a masters *grins*) because it was too good a university for me. It is there though and i agree with Emma, it doesn’t just effect women. Every time a young boy is brought cars and told off for playing with his sisters dolls. Every time a girl is brought a pink flowery dress. (Trivial examples i know but all the small things add up) We should approach people as the person they are rather than 1 of 2 categories. I use to coach gymnastics and i remember when the parents of two 6ish year old lads asked for them to be split up because they were hugging and holding each other hands a lot. This kind of social stigmatism shouldn’t exist in any situation. Whether it’s about gender roles or how a person should think and behave. What makes the social norm what is expected anyway? There are more people of so many different walks of life, persuasions and ways of thinking that the social norm is small compared to the many people who have to hide because of the pressure those around us place on us. If it’s depression, autism, sexual preference or preferred role in society i think everyone should have the right to voice, act upon and show them as they wish.
As a side note well done to Emma Watson. I remember my idol when i was little was Charlotte Church. She was only a little younger than me and she got so far with her singing. Now i look back and she was nothing much. A blip and then back into obscurity. So many people let fame go to their heads or fade away and yet Emma Watson has done so much with her fame and has become a marvelous role model. I look forward to hearing about her next endevour and i wish her every success.
Violet signing off till next time
P.s. Thanks to my dad for sharing this with me.
I like raising awareness of these things. A lot of people assume that if someone looks ok then they are ok but there are so many problems that can lurk under the surface. It often isn’t the case. I am planning to refind this really eye opening article on someones experience of OCD as well and post it but i read it about 2/3 years ago on deviant art and i am not sure where it is. In the mean time i found this.
I can relate to some of these things but others i can’t imagine.
Due to my bad experiences at school i spent a lot of my break/free time on my own and didn’t really make friends till late year 8 early year 9. I spent my primary school years kung foo fighting the trees on the field (The trees always won. I swear they cheated) and pretending to be a farmer or a witch or a dragon slayer or generally anything i could care to imagine. I was and am very imaginative and i generally didn’t mind playing on my own because i could imagine my own friends.
I also have the problems with noises merging together to form one noise but I’ve always equated that to missing the ability to hear the top frequency in one ear. I’ve tried many a time to learn music by ear (i play the drums and the guitar) but everything merges together to one noise and i can’t pick out the instrument i’m trying to copy. It also causes me problems in noisy places or when a big group of people talking. Sometimes I find it so hard to hear that i just stop talking.
I started writing on this topic over the summer holidays but ended up stopping due to the lack of a private places to write my posts. Being back at my parents house always raises a question for me. Home, What is it and what makes a place a home? I’ve been told off before many a time before voicing my distaste for my home town. Mum has even gone off on a rant saying how i don’t love any of my family anymore 😦 But that’s completely not true. I love my family and enjoy spending time with my little sister and dad very much. If it wasn’t for my family and friends i wouldn’t go back there. My mum and her sisters say i spent the first 18 years of my life in my home town so therefore it is my home. But does just living somewhere automatically make it your home? Home is where the heart is right? I don’t have many fond memories of my home town. It’s always been a rather uncomfortable place for me and i find myself very on edge there, still half expecting the people around me to criticise and look down on me like they did back at school. While this is probably all in my head my good moods are more subdued while i’m there and downers are more prevalent. A lot of things i have become confident to do at uni still cause me problems and are a challenge when back in my home town. It’s not my family’s fault in anyway. My home town is just full of bad, uncomfortable memories for me.
I’ve come back to this now because I’ve been thinking it’s not the place that makes a home. It’s the people. A house is just a building without the people in it asking how your day was when you return. The place i feel most at home at the moment is not a something as defined as a house but it feels more safe, secure and comfortable than any building i have ever been in. I have found a very comfortable home in Mr Perfect’s arms. Hopefully this will last because it’s such a nice feeling to have somewhere where you fit perfectly, somewhere where there is nothing wrong with you, somewhere where you don’t have to compensate for your shortcomings. Either way it’s something i’m going to enjoy while i have it because i doubt i’ll find it again. In comparison while the house and the city have never been comfortable I’ve supported people in that house and they have loved and supported me. So i guess while my home town was never a home for me, after 18 years of my mum’s (over)protection, dad’s thought provoking conversations and me and my little sister’s face off against the rest of the world, i think i have to say that mum, dad and my little sister were defo my home and always will be.
I’ve got such a back log of posts to put up when i finally get a weekend free X) Did you think i had gone? Not in a million years. I just found it a bit hard to find a private place to blog back in my parents house. I was all couped up with no place to go unfortunately =/ I may not post very frequently seen as my masters is keeping me busy. Yep i got a masters cool huh? Unfortunately i missed out on the PhD but there’s still chances going next year if i’m lucky. I’m forever going the long way round it seems *shrugs* I am going to quickly share this blog article while the office is empty because i found it on my travels and it’s too good not to share.
Hope you find it as interesting and informative as i have.
I have been stumped by a new situation again. If you don’t want to face new situations then don’t move away from home, go to uni or become a adult. Ok so the last one is impossible. There is no way to avoid new situations. Especially when introducing yourself and frying an egg are some of them. I want to warn a friend… (Nick name time) Spock that me and her ex are thinking of dating. Only to find out that i am completely unsure of how to go about it =( She was kind enough to warn me that they were dating back at Christmas, which i was so very grateful for. It gave me a safe place to deal with having the floor taken from under me. Now i guess i kinda wanted to do the same. What i really want is her to tell me it’s completely ok with her and for her to wish me luck. I don’t know how realistic a reaction that is though. =/ It being ok with her sounds like a feasible reaction from her but i have no faith in my ability to read people. People are confusing things. I guess i’ll do my usual thing and make a best guess. It’s all i can really do.
I know. I know. A pretty dark topic to be thinking about it but a previous conversation with a friend made me think about it.
One thing i’m pleased about is i would never stay in a physically abusive relationship. My family (Mainly my mum and her sisters) have taught me that there is 2 things that you have to find out about a partner before you marry him. 1. What he is like when he’s drunk. Because if he’s an aggressive drunk then either he’s going to have to stay sober or you are leaving. You can’t stay in a relationship where you are scared how the person is going to return home every time he goes out with his mates. It wont be good for either you. 2. How you fight. This is different from couple to couple and all couples fight. If you fight by throwing plates imagine how bad things are going to get when you hit a rough patch. And the expensiveness of replacing your plates every week.
Verbally abusive i’m not sure though, especially if there is still some good times. I’m prone to believing negative things about myself, I don’t think very highly of myself and i can see myself slipping into the mindset of well despite all these faults he’s pointing out he’s still with me so i am lucky.
Hopefully i wont have to find out how i would deal with one of these relationships. The conversation with my friend just hit a bit close to home and made me feel rather duplicitous.